Don't come back if you don't want to pay for it.....

Drinking wine in the middle of the, thinking in it cant be to bad, things happens... I have certain reason, but i wanna be flexible, i will tell her that what she has done isn't right.

Hope she can understand this, otherwise i will have to look somewhere else.

Maybe i have put my eyes somewhere else, but this isn's definitely. This fucking time of shit is affecting me and it will have consequences in me and in her.....

I was thinking, this might be like a fresh start, it seems to be good, but it isn't, i have to break all my walls again, and i don't want to, it was so painful first time.

Again, you screwed it up, and i'm paying for it, isn't fair, so u will feel the consequences too... your actions, your consequences.... i'm just in the middle of it...

Don't come back if you don't want to pay for it.....

Do NOT give my mind time to think, it screws itself, soon, it will be too late...

A big raise has gone in my life, in lonely hours i am, and between paradigms i lay down.

Do i want it? Do i wish it? Do i need it? There's nothing left in me that con take this up again, i will have to be you who spite the right words, the right moments, the right gestures, otherwise i will leave.

Cold as ice, my nickname, you gave it to me, and probably i'm gonna use it. I don't see in myself ice, i'm like a warm december night were everyone shakes, weird skin, no place to go, just lay out in darkness and suck life from stars.

I'm deeply annoyed of your behavior, it seems to me silly and immature, how's that that you act wrong, hurt my feelings, run away, disappear and then i have to confront the consequences? That's not human, thats completely annoying!!!

In this week that you gave me, i had thought things that has submerged me into doubt.... The consequences that you leave me in, are now returning to you, Sunday! Sunday! last day i'll wait for, no more.

U can't threat me like this, i'm worth, and the fact that u don't see it, doesn't make it less...

U screwed it up, yes, U SCREWED IT UP, hope u have the balls to fix it and make it right...

Won't wait too long, so HURRY UP!!!!

Do NOT give my mind time to think, it screws itself, soon, it will be too late...

Everything for seeing you again, I’m so happy...

Right now I’m inspired, i just finished playing Guitar Heros, nices tunes, and now I’m listening to Mix Unknown, it’s on the blog’s music if you wanna hear it and there’s an entry that explains why i did that mix if you wanna read.

I just sent an email to my ex telling her to return me back my computer charger, i don’t understand why she don’t wanna return it to me, it’s been months since i asked for it and i believe that if she doesn’t answer i will go into harass mode, a daily email, an SMS daily, ask to her friends, etc. and if still don’t wanna return it, i will have to consult a lawyer... Sad, but if i don’t have it, my computer’s warranty is useless. And just to think that she was my girlfriend.... i appreciate her and i love her a lot but I’m very disappointed about her attitude.

Changing the subject, lately i had been having a retrospective of myself, i had been having a closer friends relationship with my first girlfriend, i went to hear her play with her band and a week later we went out to dinner.

The point here is that it made me think a lot of who i am, what i want, what stops me, why am i like this, a lot of things. Today, well, yesterday, i shared it in CODA, i had change a loooooot of things in myself, mostly very good, but with this reencounter i realized that i also changed a lot of things just to keep appearances, only to please certain persons.

Now I’m cataloged as strawberry, man, i wasn’t like this, i was full gothic and full rocker, that’s what i like, being dark, darkness, mysterious, different, hidden. What made me change?, mmm, i would say for a lot of things, first, go around with materialist ppl, strawberry ppl, ppl that only looks for himself, selfish ppl, something i should had caught from them.

The other reason it’s because my family, i try so hard to be accepted by them that it totally changes my way to be, my lifestyle, my dressing style, my behavior, i feel like chained, they would would accept me like i am, the real me, although that’s still a little bit confusing to me in this moments.

It’s counted the times that my parents had support me, my first girlfriend’s parents were on the concert, supporting their daughter, it was rock, i don’t believe that it was their type of music, but there were they, proud of watching their daughter do what she likes, proud to see how does she makes her dream of being a professional musician, i wish i could have done that...

Just to start, when i was on the national pre-selection of volley, they didn’t like that i went training on the olympic zone, too dangerous according them; when i went into a cheerleading team, they yell me for the training schedule and my own father told me that i was a pussy... we never celebrated that we won the national championship or for win the Aula 2.0 championship, the were never happy about that... and now that i remember, they never went to see me...

My first guitar, guess who bought it for me, my sister... they didn’t believe in me, but i learned to play the guitar, so!!! When i had my band presentations or like a solo, they weren’t there... just once my mother for the Mother’s Day, and that day i didn’t know i was going to play...

When i started with my gothic thing, they yelled me about my dressing style, my piercings, they took them all away... they yelled me for my long hair... for everything... where is the free expression? Je, if they only know everything i have done at their backs, and is not that i don’t wanna tell them, it’s because they wouldn’t understand me, example, my mother started crying when she saw me with my piercings, she made a dramatic scene from it...

The gothic meeting in Sumpango, totally screwed up... Now i know why i have so much fear to live....

My career, i don’t want to keep on it, i want to do something else, but sure, i have to silence myself and finish what i wrongly started by family pressure... I like it, but it doesn’t fills me and it isn’t what i want to do the rest of my life...

Seeing her again made me to recall to my mind so much, look backwards and seeing what it’s really happening in my life. I need to find what is what i like and fills and go hard for it, having or not my family’s support...

My broken dream, singer... now i only sing in the car and I’m scared and ashamed to share how i sing, why?, i think is because my parents silence me every time i tried to make music...

So much resentment that flows on me, i love them, but i cant deny everything that had happen.

Honestly, i don’t know what I’m gonna do, but i will find MY way....

Now in english too

Due to my english readers i decided to open another blog just the same as this but in english. I hadn’t translate all the posts yet, but i will suddenly.

This is the link to the english blog http://andres-jam-en.blogspot.com.

Thanks again to all my readers.

Gallo Evolution Beach Party 2009

I write to you very quickly cause i have to go, i made a video of the Gallo's Holy Week concerts, watch them, i split it into 2 parts cause youtube said it was too big.

Leave me what you think about it in comments please.

Something threatens me to collapse

 Many things had happened since last time i wrote... but today i want to talk to you about 2 specific things and if i feel like maybe 3.

 Like 2 months ago i made myself a promise, i wouldn't go in a love relationship for a year starting from last time i broke up, that would be december 24, a lot of time for myself, to think, to change, to do my program, to improve myself every day.

 But lately i had have serious issues with that promise, since last year, a girl and me start playing that we were husband and wife. When i had girlfriend, we divorced, and like 2 months ago we got marry again by messenger, with a fake lawyer, witnesses and everything and we “had” 2 daughters (that actually they are older than her mom, LOL).

 The time went on and we start playing that we hug, hold hands, to the point that ppl thought we were on a real relation. We went so far that we kissed (with no tongue) every time in a while. We always talked about it and always got to the conclusion that there was nothing, we weren’t the one for each other and bla bla bla.

 On thursday of the Holy Week we decided to hang out for a coffee, our first date since we met (so ironic), and we hang out, we talked, took pictures, saw the sunset together and i dropped her on a friends house, that day we kissed, a real kiss. That day was very weird but i liked it a lot and i enjoyed it.

 The next day i left to the beach (was Holy Week, free days, yay!!!), and i came back on sunday, on monday i went to university and we saw and we kissed again and today, thursday, same thing. The point here is that a feeling has been growing and honestly, although i like it, i feel uncomfortable with myself, i feel like I’m screwing it, that is no the right moment, that I’m breaking my promise, that I’m not ready to have a healthy relation, i feel with fear.

 2 of the things that distance us, as i feel them, are, first, the age, I’m 4 years older than her  and in 30 or more is normal, but she barely is over legal age and our way to think are very different. The other thing is that i have a lot more experience in relations, i had had 10 girlfriends and my experience (in all aspects and u know what I’m talking about) i way more than hers. Many can say that it isn’t an important thing on a relation, and it isn’t, but for me it is part of a relation and i wouldn’t like to be the first one for her, i already was in that situation before and i don’t like to.

 For now i don’t know what I’m gonna do, i have to think a lot, asking God to do the best thing and keep alert with myself to detects any self destructing pattern.

 The second thing i want to talk to you is that lately i had been feeling like a load for my family, i don’t make money, I’m behind schedule on my studies, i don’t want to study anymore, i don’t like what I’m studying and i feel trapped in what to do. My father spoke to me and he told me that I’m taking too long in finishing my studies, that i shouldn’t be working cause they give me everything i need, but that way too contradictory cause was him who told me that to work was ok and that u could take my time in my studies.

 I think he is feeling bad cause he had to pay a large number of money in my grandma’s surgery and it has been difficult for him, but i still feel bad, cause i cant help with anything (monetary), i don’t produce, barely if i can study, i feel like a parasite that is useful only to ask for money.

 This feeling has depress me a lot, I’m trying to change somethings like no more buying coffee, smoke less so i don’t have to buy more cigarettes, avoid unnecessary hang outs, spend more time in home, do sports 2 times per week, spent more time on study and work and so on, little things that are being so difficult to me to change cause that my life style, or was.

 However i don’t feel well, i feel like my life had been collapse a little for many things that had happened, specially what happened with my friends (thats the 3th thing but i don’t wanna talk about it). Something I’m proud of myself is that even though all things that had happened, i try to stay well and happy and has had good results, not the best but at least I’m not thrown in depression, i doubt that to my program :D. I try not to involve others in my issues, but sometimes i need to talk about it and relief it from my chest, unfortunately the only time i try to talk about it i got nothing, they ignore me totally and i didn’t like that. I think i have to find ppl that know how to listen so i can relief.

 Well, i think thats all for now, writing this helps me a lot, i relief something, and i can organize my ideas and reaffirm my thoughts. I thank all my readers and any advise, comment, history, whatever u want, u can write me on comments and i promise to write u back.

THANKS TO ALL!!!!!

Hugs

I leave a pic from my Holy Week that i know most of u will like and a tender picture i like a lot.

This is for you

Depress... sad... crying... well, it was about time that my feelings come over... the detonating: mmm, it was you, the remember of how you made me feel once, although it was very quick and anything went real, I... felt...

Nobody in this world will be able to take away my feelings, they are something very precious that i kept deeper on my soul, it’s all that that makes me be human, it’s all that that gives touch to my life, it’s all that that makes me remember how much i love you all and no matter what, although I’m angry, although I’m putting limits, although I’m stressed, although I’m depress and i don’t wanna talk with anybody, although I’m as fuck i am, i will never forget the tender track that everyone of you has  left on my heart.

No matter the distance, the fights, the disagrees, the innocently scars done, no matter all that hasn’t been known to recognize and to admire with joy, no matter how much had we cried sometimes for some situations, we will always be strong and once our world get together, there wont be a two, neither a couple, neither a we, just an I, a world were we coexist and love forever and no until death splits us, it will be forever.

There are no barriers that can get over us if we destroy them together  with love, faith and tolerance and never give up before the agony and bitterness of a world that don’t understand us, of a world full of obstacles and absurd ambitions that don’t let true friendship and passion of having each other without limits such as that feeling of defeat and impotence before difficult times be...

Friends, i may be feeling the tired and sentimentally effects, but i tell you from the bottom of my heart that each one of you will be part of my life forever, in every time and in any situation...

I love you so much!!!!