Right now I’m inspired, i just finished playing Guitar Heros, nices tunes, and now I’m listening to Mix Unknown, it’s on the blog’s music if you wanna hear it and there’s an entry that explains why i did that mix if you wanna read.
I just sent an email to my ex telling her to return me back my computer charger, i don’t understand why she don’t wanna return it to me, it’s been months since i asked for it and i believe that if she doesn’t answer i will go into harass mode, a daily email, an SMS daily, ask to her friends, etc. and if still don’t wanna return it, i will have to consult a lawyer... Sad, but if i don’t have it, my computer’s warranty is useless. And just to think that she was my girlfriend.... i appreciate her and i love her a lot but I’m very disappointed about her attitude.
Changing the subject, lately i had been having a retrospective of myself, i had been having a closer friends relationship with my first girlfriend, i went to hear her play with her band and a week later we went out to dinner.
The point here is that it made me think a lot of who i am, what i want, what stops me, why am i like this, a lot of things. Today, well, yesterday, i shared it in CODA, i had change a loooooot of things in myself, mostly very good, but with this reencounter i realized that i also changed a lot of things just to keep appearances, only to please certain persons.
Now I’m cataloged as strawberry, man, i wasn’t like this, i was full gothic and full rocker, that’s what i like, being dark, darkness, mysterious, different, hidden. What made me change?, mmm, i would say for a lot of things, first, go around with materialist ppl, strawberry ppl, ppl that only looks for himself, selfish ppl, something i should had caught from them.
The other reason it’s because my family, i try so hard to be accepted by them that it totally changes my way to be, my lifestyle, my dressing style, my behavior, i feel like chained, they would would accept me like i am, the real me, although that’s still a little bit confusing to me in this moments.
It’s counted the times that my parents had support me, my first girlfriend’s parents were on the concert, supporting their daughter, it was rock, i don’t believe that it was their type of music, but there were they, proud of watching their daughter do what she likes, proud to see how does she makes her dream of being a professional musician, i wish i could have done that...
Just to start, when i was on the national pre-selection of volley, they didn’t like that i went training on the olympic zone, too dangerous according them; when i went into a cheerleading team, they yell me for the training schedule and my own father told me that i was a pussy... we never celebrated that we won the national championship or for win the Aula 2.0 championship, the were never happy about that... and now that i remember, they never went to see me...
My first guitar, guess who bought it for me, my sister... they didn’t believe in me, but i learned to play the guitar, so!!! When i had my band presentations or like a solo, they weren’t there... just once my mother for the Mother’s Day, and that day i didn’t know i was going to play...
When i started with my gothic thing, they yelled me about my dressing style, my piercings, they took them all away... they yelled me for my long hair... for everything... where is the free expression? Je, if they only know everything i have done at their backs, and is not that i don’t wanna tell them, it’s because they wouldn’t understand me, example, my mother started crying when she saw me with my piercings, she made a dramatic scene from it...
The gothic meeting in Sumpango, totally screwed up... Now i know why i have so much fear to live....
My career, i don’t want to keep on it, i want to do something else, but sure, i have to silence myself and finish what i wrongly started by family pressure... I like it, but it doesn’t fills me and it isn’t what i want to do the rest of my life...
Seeing her again made me to recall to my mind so much, look backwards and seeing what it’s really happening in my life. I need to find what is what i like and fills and go hard for it, having or not my family’s support...
My broken dream, singer... now i only sing in the car and I’m scared and ashamed to share how i sing, why?, i think is because my parents silence me every time i tried to make music...
So much resentment that flows on me, i love them, but i cant deny everything that had happen.
Honestly, i don’t know what I’m gonna do, but i will find MY way....
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