Something threatens me to collapse

 Many things had happened since last time i wrote... but today i want to talk to you about 2 specific things and if i feel like maybe 3.

 Like 2 months ago i made myself a promise, i wouldn't go in a love relationship for a year starting from last time i broke up, that would be december 24, a lot of time for myself, to think, to change, to do my program, to improve myself every day.

 But lately i had have serious issues with that promise, since last year, a girl and me start playing that we were husband and wife. When i had girlfriend, we divorced, and like 2 months ago we got marry again by messenger, with a fake lawyer, witnesses and everything and we “had” 2 daughters (that actually they are older than her mom, LOL).

 The time went on and we start playing that we hug, hold hands, to the point that ppl thought we were on a real relation. We went so far that we kissed (with no tongue) every time in a while. We always talked about it and always got to the conclusion that there was nothing, we weren’t the one for each other and bla bla bla.

 On thursday of the Holy Week we decided to hang out for a coffee, our first date since we met (so ironic), and we hang out, we talked, took pictures, saw the sunset together and i dropped her on a friends house, that day we kissed, a real kiss. That day was very weird but i liked it a lot and i enjoyed it.

 The next day i left to the beach (was Holy Week, free days, yay!!!), and i came back on sunday, on monday i went to university and we saw and we kissed again and today, thursday, same thing. The point here is that a feeling has been growing and honestly, although i like it, i feel uncomfortable with myself, i feel like I’m screwing it, that is no the right moment, that I’m breaking my promise, that I’m not ready to have a healthy relation, i feel with fear.

 2 of the things that distance us, as i feel them, are, first, the age, I’m 4 years older than her  and in 30 or more is normal, but she barely is over legal age and our way to think are very different. The other thing is that i have a lot more experience in relations, i had had 10 girlfriends and my experience (in all aspects and u know what I’m talking about) i way more than hers. Many can say that it isn’t an important thing on a relation, and it isn’t, but for me it is part of a relation and i wouldn’t like to be the first one for her, i already was in that situation before and i don’t like to.

 For now i don’t know what I’m gonna do, i have to think a lot, asking God to do the best thing and keep alert with myself to detects any self destructing pattern.

 The second thing i want to talk to you is that lately i had been feeling like a load for my family, i don’t make money, I’m behind schedule on my studies, i don’t want to study anymore, i don’t like what I’m studying and i feel trapped in what to do. My father spoke to me and he told me that I’m taking too long in finishing my studies, that i shouldn’t be working cause they give me everything i need, but that way too contradictory cause was him who told me that to work was ok and that u could take my time in my studies.

 I think he is feeling bad cause he had to pay a large number of money in my grandma’s surgery and it has been difficult for him, but i still feel bad, cause i cant help with anything (monetary), i don’t produce, barely if i can study, i feel like a parasite that is useful only to ask for money.

 This feeling has depress me a lot, I’m trying to change somethings like no more buying coffee, smoke less so i don’t have to buy more cigarettes, avoid unnecessary hang outs, spend more time in home, do sports 2 times per week, spent more time on study and work and so on, little things that are being so difficult to me to change cause that my life style, or was.

 However i don’t feel well, i feel like my life had been collapse a little for many things that had happened, specially what happened with my friends (thats the 3th thing but i don’t wanna talk about it). Something I’m proud of myself is that even though all things that had happened, i try to stay well and happy and has had good results, not the best but at least I’m not thrown in depression, i doubt that to my program :D. I try not to involve others in my issues, but sometimes i need to talk about it and relief it from my chest, unfortunately the only time i try to talk about it i got nothing, they ignore me totally and i didn’t like that. I think i have to find ppl that know how to listen so i can relief.

 Well, i think thats all for now, writing this helps me a lot, i relief something, and i can organize my ideas and reaffirm my thoughts. I thank all my readers and any advise, comment, history, whatever u want, u can write me on comments and i promise to write u back.

THANKS TO ALL!!!!!

Hugs

I leave a pic from my Holy Week that i know most of u will like and a tender picture i like a lot.

This is for you

Depress... sad... crying... well, it was about time that my feelings come over... the detonating: mmm, it was you, the remember of how you made me feel once, although it was very quick and anything went real, I... felt...

Nobody in this world will be able to take away my feelings, they are something very precious that i kept deeper on my soul, it’s all that that makes me be human, it’s all that that gives touch to my life, it’s all that that makes me remember how much i love you all and no matter what, although I’m angry, although I’m putting limits, although I’m stressed, although I’m depress and i don’t wanna talk with anybody, although I’m as fuck i am, i will never forget the tender track that everyone of you has  left on my heart.

No matter the distance, the fights, the disagrees, the innocently scars done, no matter all that hasn’t been known to recognize and to admire with joy, no matter how much had we cried sometimes for some situations, we will always be strong and once our world get together, there wont be a two, neither a couple, neither a we, just an I, a world were we coexist and love forever and no until death splits us, it will be forever.

There are no barriers that can get over us if we destroy them together  with love, faith and tolerance and never give up before the agony and bitterness of a world that don’t understand us, of a world full of obstacles and absurd ambitions that don’t let true friendship and passion of having each other without limits such as that feeling of defeat and impotence before difficult times be...

Friends, i may be feeling the tired and sentimentally effects, but i tell you from the bottom of my heart that each one of you will be part of my life forever, in every time and in any situation...

I love you so much!!!!

Keep on movin' dude!!!

Today was a key day on my life, i did what i have to do to fight for my issues, i didn’t break apart!!!

I made a mistake, but everyone has mistakes so i don’t blame myself, i already repair it as i could.

Situation: important problems with my ex.

Conclusion: i don’t have to idealize ppl even if they are very close to me, they are never as i think they are and the end on disappointing me.

So i had a big ouch today, but I’m very OK, i learned a lot, i finally feel like I’m doing something for myself, that i have control over me, and that i can confront hard situations!!

What now?: keep on movin' dude!!!! go on!!! u r doing just fine!!!!!, u can go even more far that u r now!!! don’t stay there!!! keep on!!!

yeah!!!

I’m strong!!! I’m a better man now that i was!!!!!

i love u JAM!!!!

Moments

Good things happens in good moments

Bad things happens in bad moments

And everything happened in the right moment

That was the conclusion i had today, i went to a party on sat, and get drunk, i smoked again, i danced a lot, i talked to 2 persons that mean a lot in my life. I don’t feel well about having fun, but its OK, its ok to have fun, i learned that.

My program tells me that i need to let go, to stop controlling things and situation, and thats what i did, i stop controlling myself, lol, i went too far, im not ready to go back to the road i was, so i wont, everything at its moment.

That's the fucking truth, and I’m glad of that :D

write for write

I quitted smoking 5 days ago, i die for a smoke right now. Bad days had come, I’m in abstinence, from tobacco and from relationships, and i feel like shit!

Im avoiding myself cause truth is too painful and i don’t wanna live it, but today i feel like 100 girlfriends had broke with me, i wanna cry, I’m screaming for attention but im unable to make a dam sound. A silent scream.

I don’t wanna be me right now, i wanna run... I fuckin miss her, and its too fucking painful let her go, its too fucking painful not having control over anything but me, and even i cant control myself.

its fucking shit!!! I’m in anger and i hate everything!!!!

A special poem

Before I post the poem, my apologies, i broke one of my own rules, i expressed myself directly with the name of the person wich i feel for, my reason: it rhymes and i like how it hears.

I will post it in english too, but it doesnt sounds as great as in spanish, it's just for my english readers.

Fighting the battle of indifference I am

I found myself surrounded in weeping

Remembering every moment

In which u and i were united so much

I no longer find solution

In this going and coming from emotions

and I see the bitter end of passion

Where I only remember you in songs

I wait for your important answer

Stuck in an anxiety sea

That with whim toasts

The painful and imminent truth

We are the one for the other

As the stars and your eyes are

Immersed in a lot of confusion

Our future pretends dysfunction

If your answer is NO

I wont have left but remedy

That to cure and to keep going

Of where the fear reigns

If those words doesn't arrive

I wont wait in the limb no more

It will undress this strange emotions

and little by little I will find my rate

But if the situation blooms

I promise u doubtless

That I will give each breath that grows in me

and I will fight so that God make us one

Without anything for the moment to say

I leave with a powerful phrase

That i love to transmit and feel

That it says: I love u very much Mafer

No more video

I have decided that for my own sake i wont do the fucking video, as i promised im posting the script.

Top 5 Moments of My 2008

5. Grandpa’s birthday, trip to Playa del Carmen Mexico

Almost every year, for my grandpa’s birthday he organizes a family trip, on 2008 we went to Playa del Carmen on Mexico. Beautifull place, the hotel was incredible, i went to downtown, to a long walking road full of shops, restaurants and bars, i walked a lot.

The hotel was so big that to go to lunch we needed to walk like 1/3 of mile, a lot of pools, drinks!!!!, beautifull Beach!!! And a discoteque named Jaguar.

I really enjoy this trip, all in family, sharing and celebrating my grandpa’s birthday!

4. Trip to the Semana Santa’s concerts on the Beach with my friends

Semana Santa is a religious week were the catolic church celebrates something, as u notice i dont care about it, but since its nations festive day, we did a awsome trip.

Gallo (beer company) and XL (rum company) makes a several Beach parties every year for this dates, so we went to everyone of it :D

It was a hardcore trip!!! We were a lot of ppl, we have fun, we danced, we singed, we did a lot of things!!!, we get drunk, jajajajajajaja :D

Very nice trip, i will have it in my heart always, i enjoy it a lot!

3. Family trip to Orlando, Miami, USA

In november, my family and i made a trip to orlando, 2 weeks of full fun!!! We visited all the Parks.

I remeber that to do this trip i had to do my collage final test befote i go, was a run run week before the trip, but i worthed it.

Nice views, nice rollercoasters, nice attractions, and a lot of family share!!! Amaizing!!

I remeber this trip as one of the greatest ones, and that why its on my number 3.

2. First day in CODA

CODA (Codependents Anonimous) is a non profit organization that helps ppl with codependents sickness to keep going and to be better persons everyday.

Well, im a codependent person, and the first time i went to CODA i was so scared!! So confused, with a loto f tears inside me, anda ll the Group gave me his support and made me feel great. I love my Group and i love CODA!!!

It marked a great change in my life, a lot of progress ins my life, im a better person now, i have issues, but i trust i can fix them. CODA is in my heart and is a big deal for me and thats why is in my number 2.

And finally the number 1 moment of my 2008!

1. The 2 unforgetable days

I think u are asking what tha fuck are the 2 unforgetable days, well, i call that to the 2 most precious day that i spent with a very special person for me.

This is not part of the script, i wont post somethings cause, cause i dont want to, this precious day has become the most wonderfull day and a though in my head everyday. I cant post much thing about it, but i can say, i loved her, i love her, and i will love her.

I had been tru a lot of hard moments recently, and very happy moments too. I had been writing a lot about me, my past, and things that are a pain on the ass for me, i have cried a lot, a lot of pain has been tru me, and in some ways i cant accept defeat yet, i have tried i swear, but its too difficult for me.

Somedays i have the feeling that im living my own life, im free, i can do anything and anything and anyone cant stop me, that a wonderfull day, serenity invades me and i feel very well, other days and moments i feel like i cant with myself anymore, too much feelings, too much thoughs, too much emotions, and everything just goes and goes around my head.

I have identified 2 big problems in my life, the worst, my family and the second one, my relationships, in this moments with her, the person of my number one. I have grown a lot, i have changed but in some ways im still the same person, i need to work harder, i need to share a lot of things, i need to speak to someone i completely trust, i need attention, i need honest understanding, i need a trully hug...

The funniest thing is that i found all this in her, but i cant talk to her, i cant get obsessed and due that i wrote a lot about her, i cant talk to her about her.... ironic, isnt it, jeje

Thanks to all my readers, i send u a big hug :D