Don't come back if you don't want to pay for it.....

Drinking wine in the middle of the, thinking in it cant be to bad, things happens... I have certain reason, but i wanna be flexible, i will tell her that what she has done isn't right.

Hope she can understand this, otherwise i will have to look somewhere else.

Maybe i have put my eyes somewhere else, but this isn's definitely. This fucking time of shit is affecting me and it will have consequences in me and in her.....

I was thinking, this might be like a fresh start, it seems to be good, but it isn't, i have to break all my walls again, and i don't want to, it was so painful first time.

Again, you screwed it up, and i'm paying for it, isn't fair, so u will feel the consequences too... your actions, your consequences.... i'm just in the middle of it...

Don't come back if you don't want to pay for it.....

Do NOT give my mind time to think, it screws itself, soon, it will be too late...

A big raise has gone in my life, in lonely hours i am, and between paradigms i lay down.

Do i want it? Do i wish it? Do i need it? There's nothing left in me that con take this up again, i will have to be you who spite the right words, the right moments, the right gestures, otherwise i will leave.

Cold as ice, my nickname, you gave it to me, and probably i'm gonna use it. I don't see in myself ice, i'm like a warm december night were everyone shakes, weird skin, no place to go, just lay out in darkness and suck life from stars.

I'm deeply annoyed of your behavior, it seems to me silly and immature, how's that that you act wrong, hurt my feelings, run away, disappear and then i have to confront the consequences? That's not human, thats completely annoying!!!

In this week that you gave me, i had thought things that has submerged me into doubt.... The consequences that you leave me in, are now returning to you, Sunday! Sunday! last day i'll wait for, no more.

U can't threat me like this, i'm worth, and the fact that u don't see it, doesn't make it less...

U screwed it up, yes, U SCREWED IT UP, hope u have the balls to fix it and make it right...

Won't wait too long, so HURRY UP!!!!

Do NOT give my mind time to think, it screws itself, soon, it will be too late...

Everything for seeing you again, I’m so happy...

Right now I’m inspired, i just finished playing Guitar Heros, nices tunes, and now I’m listening to Mix Unknown, it’s on the blog’s music if you wanna hear it and there’s an entry that explains why i did that mix if you wanna read.

I just sent an email to my ex telling her to return me back my computer charger, i don’t understand why she don’t wanna return it to me, it’s been months since i asked for it and i believe that if she doesn’t answer i will go into harass mode, a daily email, an SMS daily, ask to her friends, etc. and if still don’t wanna return it, i will have to consult a lawyer... Sad, but if i don’t have it, my computer’s warranty is useless. And just to think that she was my girlfriend.... i appreciate her and i love her a lot but I’m very disappointed about her attitude.

Changing the subject, lately i had been having a retrospective of myself, i had been having a closer friends relationship with my first girlfriend, i went to hear her play with her band and a week later we went out to dinner.

The point here is that it made me think a lot of who i am, what i want, what stops me, why am i like this, a lot of things. Today, well, yesterday, i shared it in CODA, i had change a loooooot of things in myself, mostly very good, but with this reencounter i realized that i also changed a lot of things just to keep appearances, only to please certain persons.

Now I’m cataloged as strawberry, man, i wasn’t like this, i was full gothic and full rocker, that’s what i like, being dark, darkness, mysterious, different, hidden. What made me change?, mmm, i would say for a lot of things, first, go around with materialist ppl, strawberry ppl, ppl that only looks for himself, selfish ppl, something i should had caught from them.

The other reason it’s because my family, i try so hard to be accepted by them that it totally changes my way to be, my lifestyle, my dressing style, my behavior, i feel like chained, they would would accept me like i am, the real me, although that’s still a little bit confusing to me in this moments.

It’s counted the times that my parents had support me, my first girlfriend’s parents were on the concert, supporting their daughter, it was rock, i don’t believe that it was their type of music, but there were they, proud of watching their daughter do what she likes, proud to see how does she makes her dream of being a professional musician, i wish i could have done that...

Just to start, when i was on the national pre-selection of volley, they didn’t like that i went training on the olympic zone, too dangerous according them; when i went into a cheerleading team, they yell me for the training schedule and my own father told me that i was a pussy... we never celebrated that we won the national championship or for win the Aula 2.0 championship, the were never happy about that... and now that i remember, they never went to see me...

My first guitar, guess who bought it for me, my sister... they didn’t believe in me, but i learned to play the guitar, so!!! When i had my band presentations or like a solo, they weren’t there... just once my mother for the Mother’s Day, and that day i didn’t know i was going to play...

When i started with my gothic thing, they yelled me about my dressing style, my piercings, they took them all away... they yelled me for my long hair... for everything... where is the free expression? Je, if they only know everything i have done at their backs, and is not that i don’t wanna tell them, it’s because they wouldn’t understand me, example, my mother started crying when she saw me with my piercings, she made a dramatic scene from it...

The gothic meeting in Sumpango, totally screwed up... Now i know why i have so much fear to live....

My career, i don’t want to keep on it, i want to do something else, but sure, i have to silence myself and finish what i wrongly started by family pressure... I like it, but it doesn’t fills me and it isn’t what i want to do the rest of my life...

Seeing her again made me to recall to my mind so much, look backwards and seeing what it’s really happening in my life. I need to find what is what i like and fills and go hard for it, having or not my family’s support...

My broken dream, singer... now i only sing in the car and I’m scared and ashamed to share how i sing, why?, i think is because my parents silence me every time i tried to make music...

So much resentment that flows on me, i love them, but i cant deny everything that had happen.

Honestly, i don’t know what I’m gonna do, but i will find MY way....

Now in english too

Due to my english readers i decided to open another blog just the same as this but in english. I hadn’t translate all the posts yet, but i will suddenly.

This is the link to the english blog http://andres-jam-en.blogspot.com.

Thanks again to all my readers.

Gallo Evolution Beach Party 2009

I write to you very quickly cause i have to go, i made a video of the Gallo's Holy Week concerts, watch them, i split it into 2 parts cause youtube said it was too big.

Leave me what you think about it in comments please.

Something threatens me to collapse

 Many things had happened since last time i wrote... but today i want to talk to you about 2 specific things and if i feel like maybe 3.

 Like 2 months ago i made myself a promise, i wouldn't go in a love relationship for a year starting from last time i broke up, that would be december 24, a lot of time for myself, to think, to change, to do my program, to improve myself every day.

 But lately i had have serious issues with that promise, since last year, a girl and me start playing that we were husband and wife. When i had girlfriend, we divorced, and like 2 months ago we got marry again by messenger, with a fake lawyer, witnesses and everything and we “had” 2 daughters (that actually they are older than her mom, LOL).

 The time went on and we start playing that we hug, hold hands, to the point that ppl thought we were on a real relation. We went so far that we kissed (with no tongue) every time in a while. We always talked about it and always got to the conclusion that there was nothing, we weren’t the one for each other and bla bla bla.

 On thursday of the Holy Week we decided to hang out for a coffee, our first date since we met (so ironic), and we hang out, we talked, took pictures, saw the sunset together and i dropped her on a friends house, that day we kissed, a real kiss. That day was very weird but i liked it a lot and i enjoyed it.

 The next day i left to the beach (was Holy Week, free days, yay!!!), and i came back on sunday, on monday i went to university and we saw and we kissed again and today, thursday, same thing. The point here is that a feeling has been growing and honestly, although i like it, i feel uncomfortable with myself, i feel like I’m screwing it, that is no the right moment, that I’m breaking my promise, that I’m not ready to have a healthy relation, i feel with fear.

 2 of the things that distance us, as i feel them, are, first, the age, I’m 4 years older than her  and in 30 or more is normal, but she barely is over legal age and our way to think are very different. The other thing is that i have a lot more experience in relations, i had had 10 girlfriends and my experience (in all aspects and u know what I’m talking about) i way more than hers. Many can say that it isn’t an important thing on a relation, and it isn’t, but for me it is part of a relation and i wouldn’t like to be the first one for her, i already was in that situation before and i don’t like to.

 For now i don’t know what I’m gonna do, i have to think a lot, asking God to do the best thing and keep alert with myself to detects any self destructing pattern.

 The second thing i want to talk to you is that lately i had been feeling like a load for my family, i don’t make money, I’m behind schedule on my studies, i don’t want to study anymore, i don’t like what I’m studying and i feel trapped in what to do. My father spoke to me and he told me that I’m taking too long in finishing my studies, that i shouldn’t be working cause they give me everything i need, but that way too contradictory cause was him who told me that to work was ok and that u could take my time in my studies.

 I think he is feeling bad cause he had to pay a large number of money in my grandma’s surgery and it has been difficult for him, but i still feel bad, cause i cant help with anything (monetary), i don’t produce, barely if i can study, i feel like a parasite that is useful only to ask for money.

 This feeling has depress me a lot, I’m trying to change somethings like no more buying coffee, smoke less so i don’t have to buy more cigarettes, avoid unnecessary hang outs, spend more time in home, do sports 2 times per week, spent more time on study and work and so on, little things that are being so difficult to me to change cause that my life style, or was.

 However i don’t feel well, i feel like my life had been collapse a little for many things that had happened, specially what happened with my friends (thats the 3th thing but i don’t wanna talk about it). Something I’m proud of myself is that even though all things that had happened, i try to stay well and happy and has had good results, not the best but at least I’m not thrown in depression, i doubt that to my program :D. I try not to involve others in my issues, but sometimes i need to talk about it and relief it from my chest, unfortunately the only time i try to talk about it i got nothing, they ignore me totally and i didn’t like that. I think i have to find ppl that know how to listen so i can relief.

 Well, i think thats all for now, writing this helps me a lot, i relief something, and i can organize my ideas and reaffirm my thoughts. I thank all my readers and any advise, comment, history, whatever u want, u can write me on comments and i promise to write u back.

THANKS TO ALL!!!!!

Hugs

I leave a pic from my Holy Week that i know most of u will like and a tender picture i like a lot.

This is for you

Depress... sad... crying... well, it was about time that my feelings come over... the detonating: mmm, it was you, the remember of how you made me feel once, although it was very quick and anything went real, I... felt...

Nobody in this world will be able to take away my feelings, they are something very precious that i kept deeper on my soul, it’s all that that makes me be human, it’s all that that gives touch to my life, it’s all that that makes me remember how much i love you all and no matter what, although I’m angry, although I’m putting limits, although I’m stressed, although I’m depress and i don’t wanna talk with anybody, although I’m as fuck i am, i will never forget the tender track that everyone of you has  left on my heart.

No matter the distance, the fights, the disagrees, the innocently scars done, no matter all that hasn’t been known to recognize and to admire with joy, no matter how much had we cried sometimes for some situations, we will always be strong and once our world get together, there wont be a two, neither a couple, neither a we, just an I, a world were we coexist and love forever and no until death splits us, it will be forever.

There are no barriers that can get over us if we destroy them together  with love, faith and tolerance and never give up before the agony and bitterness of a world that don’t understand us, of a world full of obstacles and absurd ambitions that don’t let true friendship and passion of having each other without limits such as that feeling of defeat and impotence before difficult times be...

Friends, i may be feeling the tired and sentimentally effects, but i tell you from the bottom of my heart that each one of you will be part of my life forever, in every time and in any situation...

I love you so much!!!!

Keep on movin' dude!!!

Today was a key day on my life, i did what i have to do to fight for my issues, i didn’t break apart!!!

I made a mistake, but everyone has mistakes so i don’t blame myself, i already repair it as i could.

Situation: important problems with my ex.

Conclusion: i don’t have to idealize ppl even if they are very close to me, they are never as i think they are and the end on disappointing me.

So i had a big ouch today, but I’m very OK, i learned a lot, i finally feel like I’m doing something for myself, that i have control over me, and that i can confront hard situations!!

What now?: keep on movin' dude!!!! go on!!! u r doing just fine!!!!!, u can go even more far that u r now!!! don’t stay there!!! keep on!!!

yeah!!!

I’m strong!!! I’m a better man now that i was!!!!!

i love u JAM!!!!

Moments

Good things happens in good moments

Bad things happens in bad moments

And everything happened in the right moment

That was the conclusion i had today, i went to a party on sat, and get drunk, i smoked again, i danced a lot, i talked to 2 persons that mean a lot in my life. I don’t feel well about having fun, but its OK, its ok to have fun, i learned that.

My program tells me that i need to let go, to stop controlling things and situation, and thats what i did, i stop controlling myself, lol, i went too far, im not ready to go back to the road i was, so i wont, everything at its moment.

That's the fucking truth, and I’m glad of that :D

write for write

I quitted smoking 5 days ago, i die for a smoke right now. Bad days had come, I’m in abstinence, from tobacco and from relationships, and i feel like shit!

Im avoiding myself cause truth is too painful and i don’t wanna live it, but today i feel like 100 girlfriends had broke with me, i wanna cry, I’m screaming for attention but im unable to make a dam sound. A silent scream.

I don’t wanna be me right now, i wanna run... I fuckin miss her, and its too fucking painful let her go, its too fucking painful not having control over anything but me, and even i cant control myself.

its fucking shit!!! I’m in anger and i hate everything!!!!

A special poem

Before I post the poem, my apologies, i broke one of my own rules, i expressed myself directly with the name of the person wich i feel for, my reason: it rhymes and i like how it hears.

I will post it in english too, but it doesnt sounds as great as in spanish, it's just for my english readers.

Fighting the battle of indifference I am

I found myself surrounded in weeping

Remembering every moment

In which u and i were united so much

I no longer find solution

In this going and coming from emotions

and I see the bitter end of passion

Where I only remember you in songs

I wait for your important answer

Stuck in an anxiety sea

That with whim toasts

The painful and imminent truth

We are the one for the other

As the stars and your eyes are

Immersed in a lot of confusion

Our future pretends dysfunction

If your answer is NO

I wont have left but remedy

That to cure and to keep going

Of where the fear reigns

If those words doesn't arrive

I wont wait in the limb no more

It will undress this strange emotions

and little by little I will find my rate

But if the situation blooms

I promise u doubtless

That I will give each breath that grows in me

and I will fight so that God make us one

Without anything for the moment to say

I leave with a powerful phrase

That i love to transmit and feel

That it says: I love u very much Mafer

No more video

I have decided that for my own sake i wont do the fucking video, as i promised im posting the script.

Top 5 Moments of My 2008

5. Grandpa’s birthday, trip to Playa del Carmen Mexico

Almost every year, for my grandpa’s birthday he organizes a family trip, on 2008 we went to Playa del Carmen on Mexico. Beautifull place, the hotel was incredible, i went to downtown, to a long walking road full of shops, restaurants and bars, i walked a lot.

The hotel was so big that to go to lunch we needed to walk like 1/3 of mile, a lot of pools, drinks!!!!, beautifull Beach!!! And a discoteque named Jaguar.

I really enjoy this trip, all in family, sharing and celebrating my grandpa’s birthday!

4. Trip to the Semana Santa’s concerts on the Beach with my friends

Semana Santa is a religious week were the catolic church celebrates something, as u notice i dont care about it, but since its nations festive day, we did a awsome trip.

Gallo (beer company) and XL (rum company) makes a several Beach parties every year for this dates, so we went to everyone of it :D

It was a hardcore trip!!! We were a lot of ppl, we have fun, we danced, we singed, we did a lot of things!!!, we get drunk, jajajajajajaja :D

Very nice trip, i will have it in my heart always, i enjoy it a lot!

3. Family trip to Orlando, Miami, USA

In november, my family and i made a trip to orlando, 2 weeks of full fun!!! We visited all the Parks.

I remeber that to do this trip i had to do my collage final test befote i go, was a run run week before the trip, but i worthed it.

Nice views, nice rollercoasters, nice attractions, and a lot of family share!!! Amaizing!!

I remeber this trip as one of the greatest ones, and that why its on my number 3.

2. First day in CODA

CODA (Codependents Anonimous) is a non profit organization that helps ppl with codependents sickness to keep going and to be better persons everyday.

Well, im a codependent person, and the first time i went to CODA i was so scared!! So confused, with a loto f tears inside me, anda ll the Group gave me his support and made me feel great. I love my Group and i love CODA!!!

It marked a great change in my life, a lot of progress ins my life, im a better person now, i have issues, but i trust i can fix them. CODA is in my heart and is a big deal for me and thats why is in my number 2.

And finally the number 1 moment of my 2008!

1. The 2 unforgetable days

I think u are asking what tha fuck are the 2 unforgetable days, well, i call that to the 2 most precious day that i spent with a very special person for me.

This is not part of the script, i wont post somethings cause, cause i dont want to, this precious day has become the most wonderfull day and a though in my head everyday. I cant post much thing about it, but i can say, i loved her, i love her, and i will love her.

I had been tru a lot of hard moments recently, and very happy moments too. I had been writing a lot about me, my past, and things that are a pain on the ass for me, i have cried a lot, a lot of pain has been tru me, and in some ways i cant accept defeat yet, i have tried i swear, but its too difficult for me.

Somedays i have the feeling that im living my own life, im free, i can do anything and anything and anyone cant stop me, that a wonderfull day, serenity invades me and i feel very well, other days and moments i feel like i cant with myself anymore, too much feelings, too much thoughs, too much emotions, and everything just goes and goes around my head.

I have identified 2 big problems in my life, the worst, my family and the second one, my relationships, in this moments with her, the person of my number one. I have grown a lot, i have changed but in some ways im still the same person, i need to work harder, i need to share a lot of things, i need to speak to someone i completely trust, i need attention, i need honest understanding, i need a trully hug...

The funniest thing is that i found all this in her, but i cant talk to her, i cant get obsessed and due that i wrote a lot about her, i cant talk to her about her.... ironic, isnt it, jeje

Thanks to all my readers, i send u a big hug :D

Top 5 Video is behind schedule

My computer is having fan issues, so when i start recording, all i hear is the fan's noise, the new fan comes in 8 days max, so i will have to wait for it, then i will be on college, so i dont know if i will have time.

If i cant make the video i will post the script, so u can read it.

Thanks to u all.

Coming soon!!!! Top 5 moments of my 2008

I never do a coming soon, but im doing it now, its a video and i have a lot of work to do, thats why im previewing it, i want it to be like a master piece, i know that my skills arent awesome on video editing and such things but i will try my best, so,

Top 5 moments of my 2008!!!

Coming soon

coming down?

Im not writing now to tell u a story, not to share my expiriences, not to tell u a pretty thing, i just write tonight to tell u that i feel like shit!!!, i had been trying to avoid myself, i dont wanna think, thinking is painfull to me for now.

Reasons? mmmm, maybe, im not entirely sure, i feel like im in a cage locked, i wanna be free but i cant. im in anger, i have rage again, my mind is trying to bring out the aggresive Andres, the hurting one, im trying to control him, to cool me down but i feel like its inevitable.

i feel like i wanna throw down everything i have accomplished, its hard for me, some part of me is missing the old Andres, im trapped between the past and the future, and the only thing i wanna do is run!!! run away from me, from everybody, from the world!!! im mad... im crazy... im might be coming down.... again....

I will follow you

Yesterday, at my group, they read a lecture that had something i needed to keep going, it said that its ok not to let go inmidiatly, everyone has his own process and when the moment is right i will feel the power and the strenght to let go.

It fitted to me so well, cause i was making pressure on myself to let go that girl that in matter of weeks she become the one, that one that i was looking for, and when i felt defeated, God made our roads to join.

Its sad to feel this way, everything i have learned to let go a relationship doesnt work now, why is that, mmmm, im getting to the conclusion that im different now (she told me that and made me feel very good), im another person, i cant fool myself anymore, and that is awsome, the only problem is that if anything that i have learned works, then im facing something new, and i have to learn again how to deal with it, its hard, but step by step im making it to happend.

I still have some hope in us, that in the future we will come together again, to have a healthy relation and to be happy, maybe thats a dream, but keeps me warm in bed and help me not to entirely crash and go in crisis.

For all this i decided to dedicated myself a song (the one that is playing now), jeje, thats new for me but it feels awsome!!!

I will follow you - Alberto Plaza

Dont ask me for more than i can give

everyone has its greater yearning

dont remove the liberty wings

cause i has began to reach its flight

Dont ask me for more than i can give

i have the joyness and the sadness by a hand

they join me and help me to sing

thats why both sits on my table

I cant be perfect

i have thousands of defects

i have tears

and i have heart.

If u ask me to be better

my failures and my mistakes

give me time

to see if i can go.

And i will follow you

wherever u will go

and i will stay

by your side.

Dont ask me for more than i can give

im what u see im anything else that live

that had choosen my body to rest

and will keep going some of this days.

I rather to show myself just like i am

with all my doubts and contradictions

i dont want to make a lie

to have u with me, to be with you.

I cant be perfect

i have thousands of defects

i have tears

and i have heart.

If u ask me to be better

my failures and my mistakes

give me time

to see if i can go.

And i will follow you

wherever u will go

and i will stay

by your side.

Just i thing im going to ask you

dont take too seriouly my melancholy

some days is easier to smile

but this one isnt one of that days.

And i will follow you

wherever u will go

and i will stay

by your side.

------------------------------

last thing for now

i did this song that u r listen to (Unknow Mix). my intention was to recompile all my feelings in a certain moment and make it live with music. its for a person, she knows who she is.

i made a conclusion, this is the last thing i will do thinking on her for a while, why is that, cause i need to focus on myself, work around with my personality, my fears, my problems, a lot of things, so my intention is that this mix keeps alive something that is barely breathing, it was made with love.

remember, its my feelings what the artists are singing, maybe i did not want a few words, but it sounds ok.

for u with all my love

Knowing myself a little more

I underestimated myself, now i realize that, yes, that moments were important to me, and i wanted to share it...

Now, there is nothing left to do, 3 big deals to me and i cant share them, maybe its a light from God, i have to live the 3th one alone (it havent came), i will leave it in a MAYBE, cause i want it to be shared.

I always claimed myself to be a lonely person, to need no one, and now i realize the emptyness inside myself, and i have to deal with it, i cant depend on other persons, specially you, i just wonder when is it gonna end!!! im sick and tired of myself!!!

i feel like u r too much for me, that i cant keep at ur step, you are so much grown, and im just a little boy that is starting and learning how to live, how to love, how to share, how to be in peace. i feel so infirior, and, as always with my stupid questions, am i good for u? can i make u happy?

i dont feel well, im frighten and intimidated, i feel that i cant keep up, but i feel too that i cant give up.

Brain take off

it has been a very difficult week, i had a very diversity of emotions, sometimes more than 5 in a day. i have tried to manage it, sometimes succesful, other times defeated...

i realizing that i cant do it alone, i need help from somewhere, and i think that somewhere is God, im not a religious person, but for me, God had always been there, the thing that is changing is that now im asking him for help.

i have a lot of insecurities to deal with, im exahusted from fighting myself, my brain just wanna take a day off from himself, not to think, thats the deal, just live every moment, theres no past and theres no future, only right now. jeje, thats a think that im trying to do.

hard hard hard is the word of the month for me, i dont wanna lose u, and i dont wanna lose myself either, im afraid here, i dont know what to do, what to think, what to feel, its just like gambling, no one knows (specially me) what is gonna happend.

be myself!!!! jeje, if i could only find him....

In the Storm!

Ok, im in the middle of the storm, but its not what i spected, i suppose to fell bad, sad, want to cry badly, but im not.

I feel with hope, alone, and very very angry, i have rage, a lot of it, i still cant understand things, how does it happend and why.

As my point of view of today, i feel that is better to feel this way, i feel less bad...

Or maybe, but only maybe, i hadnt reached the storm yet.

Who knows....